matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
