I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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