Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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