On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
