like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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