She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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