You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
