I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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