how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
