i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
