I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
