My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
