Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
