Please, let me fuck your mom
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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