you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
