remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
