Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The beer is more important than you right now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize