My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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