My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
