He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
