party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
