I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
