are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
