Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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