I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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