Kiss
Puke
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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