Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
