This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
