The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
