i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
