He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
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