I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
