he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
