His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
