did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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