I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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