some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
