Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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