Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
