all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
