Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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