I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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