Are we in a gay sports bar?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
