It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
