We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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