oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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