shes about as inviting as chlamydia
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
