There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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