i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
