i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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