Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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