So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm sobbing to NWA
im on a boat
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