My girlfriend figured out who you are.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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