I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
