I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize