ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
