The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
