got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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