i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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